From today onwards no more Mr Nice guy, those people who think that i am stupid or take advantage of my kindness, will see how will i be when i turn my ugly side to them.

Lets start the game, i have nothing to lose already, ready for extra time too.

I keep thinking to myself in my whole life, to give first then i will get to take some. Give and take, so give always comes first. But when comes to take i always get zero, keep asking myself why, am i being stupid or what? I have always been taken advantage of but i never complain.

But the question is why, how come like that? Be it in friendship, work or love, nothing is going the right way. No encouragement from anything i do to keep me moving forward.

Even now my only hope is fading away as time passes. Every set back i encounter now will let me lose even more self confidence, which i am a confident person in everything i do in the pass, losing myself.

Being good to people will not always have a good harvest, but i just can’t bring myself to cheat others for my well being.

How much longer i can hang on, i am really tired and lost.

Why god give me such a character. Till when god have to play this joke on me really can’t take it any longer.

This path i choose will be a tough one ahead, but i don’t mind if i end up marrying  her. Was the wait worth it?

Love for me is like gambling. If you win, you gain happiness, if you lose, you receive unbearable pain in your heart for a long time and leaves a scar. Really don’t wish to give out all my heart, and hurting it again.

But thinking back i am really happy being with her, but i left only 5 more days to spent with her, and don’t know when is the next time we will see each other again.I will miss her terribly, how to hide this emotion?

Man always looks strong on the outside, but weakens towards the woman he loves, and does not knows how to express how much he love, care, worry for her. One wrong step and things will turn bad.

God bless me…..

After a long wait of a year, I asked for her hand and she finally agreed! Finally a good start for me. I feel better after so long.

It have been a stressful month for me, i haven’t been smiling for weeks already, nothing is going smooth for me, what ever i do i will come to a road block or turn into a dead end.

Since she came back into my life, everyday  i have been looking forward to meet her, cause the time i can have with her is limited, after she agree to pass me her hand then i realise that i have only a week time to spent with her before she head home. Now all i can do is to treasure every moment i have with her.

Time spent with her makes me forget all my stress, just quietly listening to her encounters for the day, watching her eat, capturing her every cute moves that makes me smile.

Just hope i can keep her by my side till i overcome the hardship i have to face, and share every moment with her.

Hope this relationship never ends……

Really don’t how to describe the stress i am going through now. Trying very hard to hold myself together, don’t know when i will fall apart. It seems that after a long run, i am reaching a dead end, and no one is there to help. In my life there is always someone to pull me up once i reach a dead end, but i know i won’t be so lucky this time, i have already given all i have, really don’t know what to do next. Feelings so lost now.

Wish i can sleep and never wake up.

Why everytime i have to ask other people to give me a chance, instead that i can actually give out a chance to others? But still come back to square one, by giving chance to others and to fail your expectations later, will disappoint yourself more, rather then to take a chance form others. But by asking a chance from others, needs alot of courage to over come the barrier that is built up over the suffering that one have to go through.

Life is full of mix feelings, once hurt twice shy.

For this pass few years, i tried my best in everything i do but the word success do not seem to appear. I can say nothing works so far. Actually i am near the verge of giving up.

About me and her, not much of progress, don dare to think much (smile), wanted to call her many times but after thinking, what am i suppose to ask her, the same old lines, eaten? taken medicine? going where later? take care of yur health?

As for now i know very well that she is happy with her life now,  as she struggled for a long period of time to get her life back, don’t want because of my selfishness to add pressure to her. As long i know she is happy, is enough for me now.

But in my heart i really miss her, but just don know how to put it to her. Just hope everythings turns out well and i can see her soon.

Was reading what i wrote in the pass, and was wondering what actually i was in my brain, for that short 2 months relationship?

Is it the usual me, putting the best to hold the relationship, or trying to grab water with my bare hands, knowing that the relationship will not work out eventually. Love really blinds me sometimes, or really was it love, or was i lonely? Gave a deep thought, we are really both from different worlds, that’s what really got me to let go of her finally. But it took me months to figure it out. hahah

Finally i got myself back, do what i usually do, bowl and hang out, stayed happy, and went numb about relationship thing.  Was really not thinking about the relationship, there was a time when i met a girl on the chat line,  after a long chat on line, then the funniest thing was we found out we used to be secondary school mates, but she changed alot till i cant recognise her. After going out for a few times, which i don’t know to call it a date or not, she hinted to me, that she likes me, not once. Maybe i am still afraid of fail relationship, i backed out, but i can say she is a nice girl.

Then slowly i step back into night life, got pulled into one of the pubs in town. Got to know alot of people after keeping myself away for so long, go to know alot of girls, and came across many of them telling me that they are interested in me but i was never interested in them, cause i am tired of  all this and not really ready for one.

After few months there is this girl who came to intro herself to me, after noticing that she was trying to come over to my table for the pass 2 days, don’t know why she caught my attention too. She is cute, we chatted, and suddenly she says that she just broke off with her bf of 2 years and is looking for a new one, shocking me, she left me her number and she went of  to do her routine. Starting i was thinking to myself, why not i play along, as i have nothing to lose. Started calling her to have chats and don’t know why i made myself to the pub to see her everyday to see how is she doing, wanting to get to know her better.

As she is a Thai, she don’t get to come to Sg often, the next time i see her again was 3 months later, did not get to meet up with her alone much, cause most of the time she is busy. Things started to happen when she came back again on the 3rd time, when to her new work place in Boat Quay, that’s when i had supper with her for the first time, with her tight schedule, i felt happy i was given a chance, cause she have many admirer waiting  for their turn. This time she stayed in Sg for 2 months, and for the second month she went back to the usual pub in town, where all the things begin. My friend help us to pull the red string where i got to hold her hands for the first time, but was with mixed feelings.

For a period of time i wasn’t, thinking anything, and feels that she really like me. But things start to complicate on the later part, which involve 3rd party trying to help her to cover her problems which she is trying to solve. As the relationship just started between us, i know there is alot of things she did not tell me, which i understand that, if she tells me all at a go, i will not understand what she is going through. But either way by knowing or not things still went wrong. Eventually we went separate ways. But  the kind of little special feel for her never faded, but we continued being friends. As we remain as friends, we still chatted online as and when i see her, or drop by to see her when she is in Sg.

Then  recently went to Thailand to do some stuff, which now  knowing her for nearly one year, called her up and just nice she is free to meet up. So nice of her to meet me up at the airport, without getting any sleep for the previous night. We made plans to watch movie and eat Swensen ice cream. But after checking in to the hotel, both of us is dead tired, went down to the restaurant grab something to eat and went up to the room and we slept till evening, woke up and went off to dinner with friends and club later. The funniest part of all is, all my friends thought that we are in a relationship, even her friend which she came across in the club thought so.We ended the day drunk and tired, went back to the hotel, change and went to the nearest 7-11 to grab things to eat , and chatted till late morning till we are too tired and decide to sleep. Woke up the next day late afternoon, went to Esplanade for lunch then off to watch movie as planned, which i watched my first movie in Thailand haha. After while waiting for my thai friends to come we snacked at Mcdonald’s and chatted for about 2 hours, before going off for supper and we went back to hotel early as she is not feeling well, cause she had forgotten to bring her medication, when she was rushing off to the airport to meet me. When we reached the room, we chatted till early morning again, till we are both tired.

So 3 days had pass but i did not do what i am suppose to do for i am in Thailand. I, unknowingly the time spent with her was so happy and comfortable, which i threw my things behind me and grab all the time i have to spend it with her not wanting to waste a second. All the things that we chatted i understand alot of her pass, and got to know actually what caused the misunderstanding between us, realising i was at fault too for not giving her enough time to settle her things, as she had requested before.

Then it was the time for us to part, i sent her down to the lobby to take a taxi, as soon as she boarded the cab, i felt something was missing! I stood there for a minute thinking whats that feeling, then i say to myself it cant be true then i went back to my room to get change to do my the things i am suppose to do few days ago. But after i met up with my friends, all i have in my mind was her, i also can’t belive it myself, this kind of feeling was lost long ago, last time i had it was when i am with my first girlfriend, i can’t explain it too. Cause i am really being alone already, all my close friends say is time for me to find someone, but i told them i used to be alone and won’t be seeing anyone soon, and this so called shit feeling came from no where! For the last night even i felt so lonely, i did not even step out of my room, but just think of her…wtf?

Wondering if things are to late to salvage, tried asking her if she still have the feel for me, but to my disappointment, she replied, she is now used to be alone and need some time to think over about it. Then i told her to take her time not wanting to let her feel that i am like all the crazy admirers that she have.

As i was travelling towards airport, had a chat with the driver, learned something that the population of male to female in Thailand is 1:5 i was shock… so i was wondering, is it hard for me to to get a partner there? But all this are still fated.

For now i do not dare to have high hopes for anything, i will just let nature take it’s course, as i am afraid to fall hard again. Not knowing that when and under what circumstances she will start to accept a relationship, for this point girls are hard to predict. So i will leave it to fate again, hoping the right things will happen at the right time for me.

What is happiness?
The most fatal mistake which an indudustrialized society can commit is to make SUCCESS and HAPPINESS its merchandise and label them with price-tags. Actually, is difficult to set a criterion for happiness.